30 Days of Night (5)
Yesterday was a good day! I got a lot of things accomplished and communicated with two people that i haven't heard from in at least two weeks or more. Anyway, one of those people was my Brother. I'm extremely proud of him and I have been very worried about him. One thing you should know about me... I worry. I'm not a call you every hour to see if you're still okay worrier, I am just extremely concerned about everyone's well being and if I don't hear from or see you in a few days... I worry :(. I know that we aren't supposed to worry and really I know that everything is in God's hands however, I am still human and I love and care for people so deeply that I just want to know what's going on. So technically it's not worrying... It's LOVE baby :)
Moving on. I slept really good last night. This whole writing everyday thing is truly therapy to me. I actually facing a fear believe it or not. I'm terrified of people knowing about what's going on with me. I never give detail. If someone asks if I am doing alright I say "yes" because I don't want them to ask any questions. For example, Wednesday at work I had an asthma attack... everyone was asking if I was okay and I said yes even though my chest was very tight and it felt like it was on FIRE! I just didn't want anyone to make a big fuss over me. I would have called 911 myself if i felt like it was an emergent situation. Since these things happen to me all of the time, i have learned how to control my breathing and loosen my chest and open up my lungs. It's like a routine to me. I didn't tell my family because they would ask QUESTIONS. I never want anyone to feel like they have to check up on me. I am the one who does the checking. I see it this way... If somebody wanted to check on me they would do so... nobody does so i guess I have to keep checking on them right? Silly thoughts but it makes sense to me.
This weekend is going to be AWESOME :) I'm very excited. I could be at home all day and still be excited... just because I don't have to go to that job. UGH! On another note, I HATE MESSY PEOPLE! Like at what age do people actually stop trying to get in everybody's business? Like OMG get some of your own! Females are so strange at times. Especially one's who think that they have it all together and just DO NOT! I swear to promise I can't stand MESS. I have never been a fan of it and I will not start now. Lie seriously after high school it should disappear. Just thought I'd put it out there.
Anyway, until next time SPREAD EXTRA LOVE please don't hate. *\@/*
-MISI
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
30 Days of Night 4
30 Days of Night (4)
There is nothing like family. I just thought I'd start by saying that.
I began this journal hoping to reveal my true self to people but I have come to realize that I'm revealing myself to me. I know it probably doesn't make any sense to many people but it's true. By actually reading my thoughts, I am finding out a lot about me. That's it... I'm finding myself. I opening up and writing down whatever I feel and I am able to connect my thoughts with every feeling. It's amazing, the power that words can have over someone. In this case, the power of words is helping me... not hurting me or anyone else.
I feel as though my journal is not only helping me, but judging by my INBOX, it's helping a lot of other people as well. I encourage each one of you to write your own journal. Learn how to organize your thoughts on paper and read them. You will discover a lot about yourself. I sometimes sit and read my poetry and I begin to cry. I am able to go back to the emotion that I was feeling at that particular time and i am able to feel that way again. Whether I was happy, sad, angry or whatever the feeling may have been, my words help me remember.
What better way for people to get to know you than by your own words? Instead of pushing people away who want to know more about you, invite them in. I am not saying be a complete open book, but reveal yourself chapter by chapter. Dive deep within your heart and mind and free yourself of your past. Let go of whatever may be holding you back from achieving your full potential. Open your heart and mind to the possibility of love and happiness. Be susceptible to joy and laughter and do not be afraid to hope and dream. Dreams keep you hoping and hope keeps you alive.
Be encouraged. You can do anything that you set your mind to. All it takes is a dream, a goal, a vision and action. Do not settle for anything less than what you hope for. I have learned however, that in order to reach your goals and dreams you have to put in a lot of work and you will struggle. Anything worth having does not come easily. I have to remind myself of this everyday as I sit at my desk and go through all of this paper work that is piled is case binders all across my desk and in my drawers. I tell myself "This is only a temporary position to prepare you for your GREAT COMMISSION". My faith in God keeps me focused on my dreams and aspirations but in the meantime, I have to get through my test and trials and gain my strength.
As I always say: "Dreams are what you make them, but they can make you. So reach beyond the stars and make your dreams come true".
-Spread EXTRA LOVE don't Judge-
P.S.
I have shared three stories with you, share some with me. You can post them on my wall or inbox me. I would love to hear from each of you!
There is nothing like family. I just thought I'd start by saying that.
I began this journal hoping to reveal my true self to people but I have come to realize that I'm revealing myself to me. I know it probably doesn't make any sense to many people but it's true. By actually reading my thoughts, I am finding out a lot about me. That's it... I'm finding myself. I opening up and writing down whatever I feel and I am able to connect my thoughts with every feeling. It's amazing, the power that words can have over someone. In this case, the power of words is helping me... not hurting me or anyone else.
I feel as though my journal is not only helping me, but judging by my INBOX, it's helping a lot of other people as well. I encourage each one of you to write your own journal. Learn how to organize your thoughts on paper and read them. You will discover a lot about yourself. I sometimes sit and read my poetry and I begin to cry. I am able to go back to the emotion that I was feeling at that particular time and i am able to feel that way again. Whether I was happy, sad, angry or whatever the feeling may have been, my words help me remember.
What better way for people to get to know you than by your own words? Instead of pushing people away who want to know more about you, invite them in. I am not saying be a complete open book, but reveal yourself chapter by chapter. Dive deep within your heart and mind and free yourself of your past. Let go of whatever may be holding you back from achieving your full potential. Open your heart and mind to the possibility of love and happiness. Be susceptible to joy and laughter and do not be afraid to hope and dream. Dreams keep you hoping and hope keeps you alive.
Be encouraged. You can do anything that you set your mind to. All it takes is a dream, a goal, a vision and action. Do not settle for anything less than what you hope for. I have learned however, that in order to reach your goals and dreams you have to put in a lot of work and you will struggle. Anything worth having does not come easily. I have to remind myself of this everyday as I sit at my desk and go through all of this paper work that is piled is case binders all across my desk and in my drawers. I tell myself "This is only a temporary position to prepare you for your GREAT COMMISSION". My faith in God keeps me focused on my dreams and aspirations but in the meantime, I have to get through my test and trials and gain my strength.
As I always say: "Dreams are what you make them, but they can make you. So reach beyond the stars and make your dreams come true".
-Spread EXTRA LOVE don't Judge-
P.S.
I have shared three stories with you, share some with me. You can post them on my wall or inbox me. I would love to hear from each of you!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
30 Days of Night (3)
I really do not have much to say. I was going to write some long and drawn out story but I do not have the energy to do so. Instead, i am going to post a poem that best explains how I feel at the moment, Please keep in mind that EVERYTHING that I write/post are my original ideas. If you re-post something that i have said, please quote me on it. I am not in a good mood at all. I'm trying to be happy but i have a strong discontent about everything right now. Nothing is satisfying me at the moment. NOTHING at all can satisfy me.
Sometimes I feel as though I am alone I in this world; with no one to talk to or a hand to hold. My heart is heavily burdened and I desire relief, but there is no end in sight seemingly. I sometimes scream to silence what I desire to say out loud, but no one is there to listen. I try hard to hold back my tears but the feeling of rejection is so strong that I become defeated and my tears flow as an endless river. I have become a prisoner of my own desires, trapped within each individual emotion with no where to turn. I admire those who are able to share their feelings without any remorse because I believe it takes courage to do that. I wish that I was an eagle so that I could soar above everything and everyone without any concern… it would be just me and the clouds. Such perpetual peace that would be, just me and the wind. I wonder what it feels like not to have a care in the world… not to ever feel hurt, pain, heartbreak, insecurity, and rejection. I wonder what it feels like to be in love for real. What does it feel like to be in the arms of someone who cares about you? I know what it feels like to be in the arms of someone who doesn’t care. It feels empty and dry and lonely. It feels like being locked in a cold and dark place with no jacket or blanket to keep you warm. It feels like rubbing against a thorny bush and being blistered from head to toe. It feels like jumping into a flaming pool of fire and being incinerated instantly. It’s a bad thing when you are in love with someone and they don’t love you back. It’s a hard place to be in when you know that there is something different. Or is there? Is love real or is it a figment of our imagination? May be love is not meant for me because every time that I give my self, I end up losing. I am so upset at this very moment because I am in love by my self. I just don’t understand how you can love someone so much, yet they don’t love you back.
Sometimes I feel as though I am alone I in this world; with no one to talk to or a hand to hold. My heart is heavily burdened and I desire relief, but there is no end in sight seemingly. I sometimes scream to silence what I desire to say out loud, but no one is there to listen. I try hard to hold back my tears but the feeling of rejection is so strong that I become defeated and my tears flow as an endless river. I have become a prisoner of my own desires, trapped within each individual emotion with no where to turn. I admire those who are able to share their feelings without any remorse because I believe it takes courage to do that. I wish that I was an eagle so that I could soar above everything and everyone without any concern… it would be just me and the clouds. Such perpetual peace that would be, just me and the wind. I wonder what it feels like not to have a care in the world… not to ever feel hurt, pain, heartbreak, insecurity, and rejection. I wonder what it feels like to be in love for real. What does it feel like to be in the arms of someone who cares about you? I know what it feels like to be in the arms of someone who doesn’t care. It feels empty and dry and lonely. It feels like being locked in a cold and dark place with no jacket or blanket to keep you warm. It feels like rubbing against a thorny bush and being blistered from head to toe. It feels like jumping into a flaming pool of fire and being incinerated instantly. It’s a bad thing when you are in love with someone and they don’t love you back. It’s a hard place to be in when you know that there is something different. Or is there? Is love real or is it a figment of our imagination? May be love is not meant for me because every time that I give my self, I end up losing. I am so upset at this very moment because I am in love by my self. I just don’t understand how you can love someone so much, yet they don’t love you back.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
30 Days of NIght (2)
30 Days of Night (2)
Night Two
This morning I woke up and I was in pain. Physical pain, not so much, but emotional pain was weighing my size 0 body down. I tossed and turned all night, first about my decision to keep a very open and public diary and second because I was lonely. There comes a time in everyone’s life where loneliness can set in. For some it may be when the children leave the house and go off to school and for others it may be during, after, or before a relationship begins or ends. I could go on and on about situations or circumstances that can cause a person to feel lonely but since the list is so long I will stop here… the answer is because they are alone. Don’t get me wrong, you can feel lonely in a room full of people, but you’re not actually alone, you just feel left out for lack of better words. But last night I was alone and I was indeed lonely. I can roll over four times in my bed and still not fall onto the floor but I think I’d much rather roll over twice and bump into someone… a companion or a lover even. Over the course of my 22 years of living, I have had “friends” come and go and then come again but when will someone actually stay? People often underestimate the power that loneliness can have upon you. Some people, in their loneliness eat and eat and eat and gain excessive weight. Others can’t even muster up an appetite because their loneliness is too overwhelming and of course instead of eating or the lack there of, a small percentage of people result to sex to comfort them in their loneliness. Is this the safest alternative? It can be if you use protection. But having sex, empty, meaningless, hot, steamy, no emotional connection whatsoever sex is very harmful to your emotions and spirituality.
What some people fail to realize is that each time they sleep with someone they become a part of that person and their partner becomes a part of them. Whether or not you want emotional attachment…NEWS FLASH… it’s still going to be there. Now, am I saying that I have empty sex with multiple people on multiple occasions??? No, of course I’m not going to come out and say that. But I will say that when you are lonely, every moment seems like a year. Time ticks slowly and you can hear every thought that passes through your mind as if your thoughts were another person screaming ideas into your own ears! Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The stroke of the clock seems as though it’s taunting me. Ha ha it says instead of tick tock. “Here you are alone again” the clock says to me. The urge to pick up my phone and call whoever is available to do whatever gets stronger by the minute.
The desire to indulge in an act of passion becomes so strong that it weakens me. “I must give in” I tell myself. “I’m not strong enough to do this again” I silently scream. Help me! Help me! Help me! My desperation becomes greater by every passing second. The need to be held is too intense to deny or hide. It’s almost like a vampires need to feed on human blood after being fed animal blood for so long… after a while, the urge takes over and I must feed. The taste of flesh and the sounds of agonized pleasure must be attained. When these urges come, I breathe in deeply. The tears flow down my face, steaming my eyes as if my tears were replaced with acid. A white residue forms on my cheeks and I do not possess the strength to wipe it away. My mouth is dry from thirst and my lips long to feel the kiss of a lover. My skin begs to be caressed. I look in the mirror adjacent to my now stained bed and I can not recognize myself. Who is this person that I have become? Weak for flesh and hungry for new prey… is this who I am?
The night passes by slowly and the thoughts eventually drift away. I have resorted to vibrating plastic and rubber… to ease the pain of my suffering. A temporary fix… like gum is to nicotine. Once you have the addiction, the urge to get a hit can only be tamed for so long. In my heart I am begging the Lord to forgive me for my impurity and to wash me and make me whole again. Forgive me oh Lord for being weak in the flesh and for having a hunger that I can not control. Forgive me oh Lord for being me, again… a sinful and naive woman. Forgive me, please forgive me Lord.
You see, unlike some people, I am not afraid to admit that I get lonely. I look around my house and there is no one! Only pictures of past lovers to remind me that I AM ALONE AGAIN. Is it fair that they have moved on into marriages and relationships and have left me alone to rot in my weakness and failures? NO! It is not fair at all. I can’t for the life of me understand why I have been chosen to suffer this way. To long to be happy with ONE MAN and no one man longs to be happy with me. I have trouble expressing myself to men which is very funny to me because I have no trouble writing it down. I feel like a little bird ready to break out of my shell but mama bird will not get off of the egg. There’s something holding me back… a force so strong that it feels as though my lips are sealed tight; unable to let in the slightest breeze of air. The force is called fear. The fear of rejection can cost someone a relationship, a friendship, a job, and anything worth having. I suppose that if I were to open up even a little bit, I wouldn’t spend every night alone. I pray and pray and pray for help but the harder I pray the more tempted I become. AHH! I want to scream with frustration and cry out in sorrow, help me! I want to be in love again. I don’t want to fall into the trap of lust any longer. Help me in my loneliness.
8/16/2010
Night Two
This morning I woke up and I was in pain. Physical pain, not so much, but emotional pain was weighing my size 0 body down. I tossed and turned all night, first about my decision to keep a very open and public diary and second because I was lonely. There comes a time in everyone’s life where loneliness can set in. For some it may be when the children leave the house and go off to school and for others it may be during, after, or before a relationship begins or ends. I could go on and on about situations or circumstances that can cause a person to feel lonely but since the list is so long I will stop here… the answer is because they are alone. Don’t get me wrong, you can feel lonely in a room full of people, but you’re not actually alone, you just feel left out for lack of better words. But last night I was alone and I was indeed lonely. I can roll over four times in my bed and still not fall onto the floor but I think I’d much rather roll over twice and bump into someone… a companion or a lover even. Over the course of my 22 years of living, I have had “friends” come and go and then come again but when will someone actually stay? People often underestimate the power that loneliness can have upon you. Some people, in their loneliness eat and eat and eat and gain excessive weight. Others can’t even muster up an appetite because their loneliness is too overwhelming and of course instead of eating or the lack there of, a small percentage of people result to sex to comfort them in their loneliness. Is this the safest alternative? It can be if you use protection. But having sex, empty, meaningless, hot, steamy, no emotional connection whatsoever sex is very harmful to your emotions and spirituality.
What some people fail to realize is that each time they sleep with someone they become a part of that person and their partner becomes a part of them. Whether or not you want emotional attachment…NEWS FLASH… it’s still going to be there. Now, am I saying that I have empty sex with multiple people on multiple occasions??? No, of course I’m not going to come out and say that. But I will say that when you are lonely, every moment seems like a year. Time ticks slowly and you can hear every thought that passes through your mind as if your thoughts were another person screaming ideas into your own ears! Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The stroke of the clock seems as though it’s taunting me. Ha ha it says instead of tick tock. “Here you are alone again” the clock says to me. The urge to pick up my phone and call whoever is available to do whatever gets stronger by the minute.
The desire to indulge in an act of passion becomes so strong that it weakens me. “I must give in” I tell myself. “I’m not strong enough to do this again” I silently scream. Help me! Help me! Help me! My desperation becomes greater by every passing second. The need to be held is too intense to deny or hide. It’s almost like a vampires need to feed on human blood after being fed animal blood for so long… after a while, the urge takes over and I must feed. The taste of flesh and the sounds of agonized pleasure must be attained. When these urges come, I breathe in deeply. The tears flow down my face, steaming my eyes as if my tears were replaced with acid. A white residue forms on my cheeks and I do not possess the strength to wipe it away. My mouth is dry from thirst and my lips long to feel the kiss of a lover. My skin begs to be caressed. I look in the mirror adjacent to my now stained bed and I can not recognize myself. Who is this person that I have become? Weak for flesh and hungry for new prey… is this who I am?
The night passes by slowly and the thoughts eventually drift away. I have resorted to vibrating plastic and rubber… to ease the pain of my suffering. A temporary fix… like gum is to nicotine. Once you have the addiction, the urge to get a hit can only be tamed for so long. In my heart I am begging the Lord to forgive me for my impurity and to wash me and make me whole again. Forgive me oh Lord for being weak in the flesh and for having a hunger that I can not control. Forgive me oh Lord for being me, again… a sinful and naive woman. Forgive me, please forgive me Lord.
You see, unlike some people, I am not afraid to admit that I get lonely. I look around my house and there is no one! Only pictures of past lovers to remind me that I AM ALONE AGAIN. Is it fair that they have moved on into marriages and relationships and have left me alone to rot in my weakness and failures? NO! It is not fair at all. I can’t for the life of me understand why I have been chosen to suffer this way. To long to be happy with ONE MAN and no one man longs to be happy with me. I have trouble expressing myself to men which is very funny to me because I have no trouble writing it down. I feel like a little bird ready to break out of my shell but mama bird will not get off of the egg. There’s something holding me back… a force so strong that it feels as though my lips are sealed tight; unable to let in the slightest breeze of air. The force is called fear. The fear of rejection can cost someone a relationship, a friendship, a job, and anything worth having. I suppose that if I were to open up even a little bit, I wouldn’t spend every night alone. I pray and pray and pray for help but the harder I pray the more tempted I become. AHH! I want to scream with frustration and cry out in sorrow, help me! I want to be in love again. I don’t want to fall into the trap of lust any longer. Help me in my loneliness.
8/16/2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
30 Days of Night... Journey of Discovery (1)
30 Days of Night
Night One 8/15/2010 10:25pm
I do not know if I am extremely crazy or extremely lonely but I do know that I am something... not to say that I am nothing and to prevent talking in circles, let's just move on from that. So, here we are night one of my journey, although right now I am not completely sure of what my journey consists of or even why I am on it. But I suppose the reason for this blog or article or whatever may come of my thoughts, is to find myself. Who am I? That's the question that everyone at some point in their life will ask themselves... Who Am I? As I sit here typing these words I realize that I really do not know who I am. Maybe the question shouldn't exactly be Who Am I; perhaps the question we should all ask ourselves is Who am I meant to be?
Day after day people get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, cook dinner, eat with their families or alone, take a shower, go to bed and do it all over again. As talented as I may be and as goal driven as I am, I am in the "routine" category right now. Of course no one falls into a practical routine by choice but only by circumstance. Yes it's true "EXTRA" from VH1's number one rated reality show is back in corporate America. No published book, no new shows, no more parties to host, no modeling just work at 6 a.m Monday through Friday. This is a big and hard pill to swallow but I have to admit that this whole experience has humbled me. Where should I start? How about June 17th, 2010? That's the day that my life turned completely around. What happened? Well my car was taken from me to make a long story short. I had to put it in the shop and leave it there until I could afford to get it out. I thought "Hey, I get unemployment, I should have my car out in NO TIME"... WRONG! About a week later, my unemployment benefits ended and I had no car, no money, an apartment and bills, bills, bills. I had been job searching for what seemed like a decade and I could not get any leads. Since I lacked transportation I had to put in a lot of foot work literally. I had to walk everywhere! Grocery stores, church, banks, libraries... everywhere! You see, my situation is slightly different from average. Many people have friends that are accessible to them at any time. I don't have many friends, and the one's that I do have are either in Louisiana (Candice), very pregnant and working full-time (Quita) , or are male and very busy being bachelors. Since I do not have a boyfriend, the reliability of my male companions is slim to none. Either they do not understand my situation and always have a solution beginning with "Why don't you..." and ending with "move back home" or only communicate with text messages whenever convenient for them. I have to admit that two very special male friends of mine are very much reliable and seem to care a lot actually. Anyway moving on from that, my point is that I had no one to rely on but ME. Family? Let's just say that my family is all but closely knit. I am the type of person that hates to inconvenience anyone and with my family, I feel as though EVRYTHING is an inconvenience. My mom, dad, grandparents, sisters, brother...everybody has their own problems and I refuse to add to them. You see everyone in my immediate family has goals, regrets, anger, all of that balled up into completely and at times chaotic frustration. I almost hate to ask for anything from anybody because I don't want to hear about it later... and trust me, with my family, you'll hear about it.
Ok, relying on myself... that's where I was right? Yes, I had to rely on me to do everything! If I wanted to keep my freedom and independence I had to get out of my comfort zone and get busy. I prayed long and hard for God to change my situation and when I realized that it wasn't changing, I remembered what my Uncle Dennis "Pastor Webb" once said, "Sometimes, your blessing is in work". I'm not completely sure what he meant by that but I took it to mean that instead of finding "quick fixes" to my problems, I needed to just DO SOMETHING! I continued to pray and cry and cry and pray but in the midst of my tears God began to open doors... and by doors I mean my eyes. If I wanted food, I knew what I had to do to get it; if I didn't want to come home again and sit in a dark and hot apartment with no electricity and eat only peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I had to do something about it! If I wanted money, I had to grind until I found a job that suited me. About a week or so passed and I received an email forward from my Uncle Dennis about a job opening and I instantly responded. I walked up to the college, submitted my resume online (in an email to the hiring manager) and then I called her. I practically called her everyday until I got an interview. Needless to say I got the job, but there was a problem. I realized that walking to work would take about 40 minutes and it's TEXAS! It's 80 degrees at 6am but I knew that if I wanted to maintain my lifestyle I had to do it! July 12, 2010, I started working as a Government insurer. What's that you ask? I audit, process, and insure mortgage loans and then submit them to HUD. Not exactly my DREAM job... but it's paying the bills. So on July 12, my dad let me borrow his Jeep and I had to take it back to him after work. I had for a second thought that he would just let me keep it for a while, but you know how parents are, especially when they have a separate family. SO on July 13th, I woke up at 530am and realized that the walk was going to be LONG! But I sucked it up and went on and walked to work and walked home after. It was a change so I asked for a ride to work for the next week and a half and suddenly felt as though I was inconveniencing the man at 7am. I walked to and from work everyday. Heat, wind, rain, whatever... I was walking. Why didn't you take the bus? Well, the sad truth about it is that I didn't know how to catch the bus and even if I did, I couldn't afford it. On or about July 15th, I was notified by my leasing office that I was going to be evicted... I was hurt, crushed even! I didn't know what to do. My family couldn't help me as they were all in financial distress themselves, I had no choice but to "phone a friend". I was terrified about asking him. I had NEVER wanted to put myself in the category of "needy" but I was in fact in need. I look at things from a spiritual perspective... people are put in your life for a reason. It may be to bless you, listen to you, talk to you, test you, love you or leave you but there is always a reason. My friend came through for me and I will be eternally grateful to him for granting me a favor. After the eviction mess was cleared, on July 30th, I received my first paycheck. I had grossed $960.00. Of course my net was about $797.57 but it was WAY more than what I had in my pocket. I practically ran to the collection plate on Sunday to pay my tithes and after I gave God what was due to him, I had bus fare! I was so happy that I didn't have to walk all the way to work... only to the bus stop in the morning and then walk home in the afternoon. Piece of cake I thought... NO MAM! The bus runs like every 30 minutes right? WRONG! I didn't have a bus schedule so I just guessed the times. I got so frustrated that I just walked to work anyway! Once at work I did what any smart person would do... I used my resources and printed an ON-LINE bus route. I quickly realized that my work schedule had to change. So I began waking up at 430am in order to catch the first bus at 6am to work. This was no easy task for me, especially after my late nights hosting parties and traveling all of Winter and Spring but by the grace of God, I did it and I am doing it.
Why am I writing this "tell all" again? Well, I can't answer that right now but maybe after 30 nights we will see. The first one is always the longest because I have to give background information and explain the situation so that you'll understand ME a little better. Now, since I am used to my job and I have gotten two paychecks... as of AUGUST 14, 2010...I HAVE MY CAR AGAIN... thanks to the AWESOME power and grace of GOD! No more walking to work for now... but I do however have some serious thinking to do about who I label as family and friends. Sure some people may call what I am doing INSANE because "I was on t.v" but people on television have a REAL life behind the camera. My life just happens to be very public right now, but that's the way it needs to be. People need to know that I am a real person, not just EXTRA! Everyone has REAL struggles and I refuse to allow people to think that they are by themselves. Until tomorrow night, stay blessed and remember that you never know someone's situation so don't JUDGE them just LOVE them!
GOOD NIGHT
Night One 8/15/2010 10:25pm
I do not know if I am extremely crazy or extremely lonely but I do know that I am something... not to say that I am nothing and to prevent talking in circles, let's just move on from that. So, here we are night one of my journey, although right now I am not completely sure of what my journey consists of or even why I am on it. But I suppose the reason for this blog or article or whatever may come of my thoughts, is to find myself. Who am I? That's the question that everyone at some point in their life will ask themselves... Who Am I? As I sit here typing these words I realize that I really do not know who I am. Maybe the question shouldn't exactly be Who Am I; perhaps the question we should all ask ourselves is Who am I meant to be?
Day after day people get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, cook dinner, eat with their families or alone, take a shower, go to bed and do it all over again. As talented as I may be and as goal driven as I am, I am in the "routine" category right now. Of course no one falls into a practical routine by choice but only by circumstance. Yes it's true "EXTRA" from VH1's number one rated reality show is back in corporate America. No published book, no new shows, no more parties to host, no modeling just work at 6 a.m Monday through Friday. This is a big and hard pill to swallow but I have to admit that this whole experience has humbled me. Where should I start? How about June 17th, 2010? That's the day that my life turned completely around. What happened? Well my car was taken from me to make a long story short. I had to put it in the shop and leave it there until I could afford to get it out. I thought "Hey, I get unemployment, I should have my car out in NO TIME"... WRONG! About a week later, my unemployment benefits ended and I had no car, no money, an apartment and bills, bills, bills. I had been job searching for what seemed like a decade and I could not get any leads. Since I lacked transportation I had to put in a lot of foot work literally. I had to walk everywhere! Grocery stores, church, banks, libraries... everywhere! You see, my situation is slightly different from average. Many people have friends that are accessible to them at any time. I don't have many friends, and the one's that I do have are either in Louisiana (Candice), very pregnant and working full-time (Quita) , or are male and very busy being bachelors. Since I do not have a boyfriend, the reliability of my male companions is slim to none. Either they do not understand my situation and always have a solution beginning with "Why don't you..." and ending with "move back home" or only communicate with text messages whenever convenient for them. I have to admit that two very special male friends of mine are very much reliable and seem to care a lot actually. Anyway moving on from that, my point is that I had no one to rely on but ME. Family? Let's just say that my family is all but closely knit. I am the type of person that hates to inconvenience anyone and with my family, I feel as though EVRYTHING is an inconvenience. My mom, dad, grandparents, sisters, brother...everybody has their own problems and I refuse to add to them. You see everyone in my immediate family has goals, regrets, anger, all of that balled up into completely and at times chaotic frustration. I almost hate to ask for anything from anybody because I don't want to hear about it later... and trust me, with my family, you'll hear about it.
Ok, relying on myself... that's where I was right? Yes, I had to rely on me to do everything! If I wanted to keep my freedom and independence I had to get out of my comfort zone and get busy. I prayed long and hard for God to change my situation and when I realized that it wasn't changing, I remembered what my Uncle Dennis "Pastor Webb" once said, "Sometimes, your blessing is in work". I'm not completely sure what he meant by that but I took it to mean that instead of finding "quick fixes" to my problems, I needed to just DO SOMETHING! I continued to pray and cry and cry and pray but in the midst of my tears God began to open doors... and by doors I mean my eyes. If I wanted food, I knew what I had to do to get it; if I didn't want to come home again and sit in a dark and hot apartment with no electricity and eat only peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I had to do something about it! If I wanted money, I had to grind until I found a job that suited me. About a week or so passed and I received an email forward from my Uncle Dennis about a job opening and I instantly responded. I walked up to the college, submitted my resume online (in an email to the hiring manager) and then I called her. I practically called her everyday until I got an interview. Needless to say I got the job, but there was a problem. I realized that walking to work would take about 40 minutes and it's TEXAS! It's 80 degrees at 6am but I knew that if I wanted to maintain my lifestyle I had to do it! July 12, 2010, I started working as a Government insurer. What's that you ask? I audit, process, and insure mortgage loans and then submit them to HUD. Not exactly my DREAM job... but it's paying the bills. So on July 12, my dad let me borrow his Jeep and I had to take it back to him after work. I had for a second thought that he would just let me keep it for a while, but you know how parents are, especially when they have a separate family. SO on July 13th, I woke up at 530am and realized that the walk was going to be LONG! But I sucked it up and went on and walked to work and walked home after. It was a change so I asked for a ride to work for the next week and a half and suddenly felt as though I was inconveniencing the man at 7am. I walked to and from work everyday. Heat, wind, rain, whatever... I was walking. Why didn't you take the bus? Well, the sad truth about it is that I didn't know how to catch the bus and even if I did, I couldn't afford it. On or about July 15th, I was notified by my leasing office that I was going to be evicted... I was hurt, crushed even! I didn't know what to do. My family couldn't help me as they were all in financial distress themselves, I had no choice but to "phone a friend". I was terrified about asking him. I had NEVER wanted to put myself in the category of "needy" but I was in fact in need. I look at things from a spiritual perspective... people are put in your life for a reason. It may be to bless you, listen to you, talk to you, test you, love you or leave you but there is always a reason. My friend came through for me and I will be eternally grateful to him for granting me a favor. After the eviction mess was cleared, on July 30th, I received my first paycheck. I had grossed $960.00. Of course my net was about $797.57 but it was WAY more than what I had in my pocket. I practically ran to the collection plate on Sunday to pay my tithes and after I gave God what was due to him, I had bus fare! I was so happy that I didn't have to walk all the way to work... only to the bus stop in the morning and then walk home in the afternoon. Piece of cake I thought... NO MAM! The bus runs like every 30 minutes right? WRONG! I didn't have a bus schedule so I just guessed the times. I got so frustrated that I just walked to work anyway! Once at work I did what any smart person would do... I used my resources and printed an ON-LINE bus route. I quickly realized that my work schedule had to change. So I began waking up at 430am in order to catch the first bus at 6am to work. This was no easy task for me, especially after my late nights hosting parties and traveling all of Winter and Spring but by the grace of God, I did it and I am doing it.
Why am I writing this "tell all" again? Well, I can't answer that right now but maybe after 30 nights we will see. The first one is always the longest because I have to give background information and explain the situation so that you'll understand ME a little better. Now, since I am used to my job and I have gotten two paychecks... as of AUGUST 14, 2010...I HAVE MY CAR AGAIN... thanks to the AWESOME power and grace of GOD! No more walking to work for now... but I do however have some serious thinking to do about who I label as family and friends. Sure some people may call what I am doing INSANE because "I was on t.v" but people on television have a REAL life behind the camera. My life just happens to be very public right now, but that's the way it needs to be. People need to know that I am a real person, not just EXTRA! Everyone has REAL struggles and I refuse to allow people to think that they are by themselves. Until tomorrow night, stay blessed and remember that you never know someone's situation so don't JUDGE them just LOVE them!
GOOD NIGHT
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Dreaded Deception
Dreaded Deception
It has been brought to my attention that men and women are not only into playing games with each other nowadays, but the games are never ending. If he plays one she has to play two. This has got to stop! I mean honestly just say what’s on your mind rather then string someone along at your convenience. That’s not the issue that I want to press however it is a growing pain.
So today’s topic, “DREADED Deception”, what does this mean you may ask? It’s simple… there is always a fear that lies deep within the hearts and minds of anyone who has been or is in love and that is deceit. I don’t know about you but I dread being deceived. After you have put so much work and emotions into the relationship, BAM, you find out the he/she has deceived you. What do you do? What can you do? Cry? No, you shouldn’t cry, you should get EVEN! I’m just kidding about the getting even part but you should feel free to express yourself. Never keep feelings bottled up inside because when held in they intensify and you end up releasing them at the wrong time. Well, Extra, how can I keep myself from the “Dreaded Deception?” I’m glad you asked. Here are a few tips that should come in handy…
1. First of all, know what you’re getting yourself into before you even allow yourself to become intimate with someone. Too much intimacy too soon can cause you to feel too many emotions that may not even be honest or pure… you could suffer from lust/infatuation and this is a huge mistake. More people get hurt behind being in lust than being in love. Love doesn’t hurt you but lust with kill you and drive you crazy.
2. Be clear of your intentions whether you are looking for a relationship, friendship, physical relationship or a lack there of. You never know, your companion may be looking for the same thing or similar but never trick them into thinking that you want something more than what you actually intend. This is how many people, females mainly get hurt. Men, can’t you see that if you want something all you have to do is ask, Of course women play hard to get but times are changing… we are trying to get it just like you. All you have to do is find a WOMAN who is not into playing games and gets straight to business. We love to talk and get to know you but honestly, talking can come later. SOMETIMES
3. Share your feelings. If you aren’t feeling the situation anymore be honest about it. Don’t just ignore calls and texts thinking “He/she will get the message”. NEWS FLASH! They will not get the message. They will spend hours if not days wondering what mistake they made when they didn’t do anything wrong. You were just too selfish to admit that you only wanted what they did to you and for you for a short period of time, if at all. Tell them the truth. A simple conversation will clear up the air and save your name from being tainted. Trust me ladies, men have to power to ruin you faster than you have to power to ruin them. Men talk just as much or more than women and this is BAD! Oh and ladies, a word of advice, if you’re going to sleep with a guy on the first date or meeting, be good, be very good that way he’ll at least be interested in you for a short time.
4. Be sure to return calls and texts if you are interested in someone because after a while, they may begin to think that you are uninterested and lose interest in you all together. In order to salvage whatever you have, just communicate! Communication is the key and if you like someone, you should let them know just how much. Just as quick as they come, they leave quicker.
5. Introduce them to your friends with a title. Whether it’s “my friend” “my girl or my man” any title is better than just a name. When you introduce them with a title at least they know where they stand with you. “This is David” could mean I picked him up off the side of the street and now I’m treating him to dinner before I return him to the shelter. Anyway, you get the picture.
6. If you don’t want people in your business then don’t tell anybody your business. People have the power to ruin whatever you have going on. Jealousy does exist and ladies, please believe that men get jealous of you when they want you but you don’t want them. They will attempt to put “salt” in your game and sometimes it does work because “boys” trust their friends more than they trust you. Notice I said boys, not men. Please refer to my book “The Lust for Love” for my definition on men and boys. Men, there are girls out here who have the mindset that if they can’t have you, no one will. Trust me, there are entire sites dedicated to professional athletes dating lives and ruining them. Google an NFL or NBA player and type girlfriend at the end… watch the site pop up. It’s hilarious actually.
7. I say this over and over again, if you’re going to talk to someone, talk to them and no one else. It’s very difficult to be honest with more than one person when you have five or six other people hounding you all of the time. It’s ok to have friends but don’t put someone you care about on the back burner just to have a fling! It’s not worth it. If it’s just about sex, I’m pretty sure he or she will give it to you but you have to be willing to show them that they can trust you with their feelings and their body. I don’t want anything from you that I didn’t already have, and babies are included. If you feel the need to sleep with multiple people, something is wrong with you. YES! I said something is wrong with you. You have some sort of disorder. One person can’t satisfy you? Come one with the B.S!
Ok, so I let it out today, big deal! It was on my heart and you asked so I delivered. I give the truth to you and if you don’t like, you just don’t know. Please take heed to my advice. There are so many men and women who question their worth and their confidence behind men ad women who have no intentions of taking it to the next level. Just be careful of what you get yourself into and who you draw into you. There are some people who aren’t able to handle rejection and you may have been their last hope at finding love. Just be honest, clear and upfront with people therefore avoiding the “Dreaded Deception”.
It has been brought to my attention that men and women are not only into playing games with each other nowadays, but the games are never ending. If he plays one she has to play two. This has got to stop! I mean honestly just say what’s on your mind rather then string someone along at your convenience. That’s not the issue that I want to press however it is a growing pain.
So today’s topic, “DREADED Deception”, what does this mean you may ask? It’s simple… there is always a fear that lies deep within the hearts and minds of anyone who has been or is in love and that is deceit. I don’t know about you but I dread being deceived. After you have put so much work and emotions into the relationship, BAM, you find out the he/she has deceived you. What do you do? What can you do? Cry? No, you shouldn’t cry, you should get EVEN! I’m just kidding about the getting even part but you should feel free to express yourself. Never keep feelings bottled up inside because when held in they intensify and you end up releasing them at the wrong time. Well, Extra, how can I keep myself from the “Dreaded Deception?” I’m glad you asked. Here are a few tips that should come in handy…
1. First of all, know what you’re getting yourself into before you even allow yourself to become intimate with someone. Too much intimacy too soon can cause you to feel too many emotions that may not even be honest or pure… you could suffer from lust/infatuation and this is a huge mistake. More people get hurt behind being in lust than being in love. Love doesn’t hurt you but lust with kill you and drive you crazy.
2. Be clear of your intentions whether you are looking for a relationship, friendship, physical relationship or a lack there of. You never know, your companion may be looking for the same thing or similar but never trick them into thinking that you want something more than what you actually intend. This is how many people, females mainly get hurt. Men, can’t you see that if you want something all you have to do is ask, Of course women play hard to get but times are changing… we are trying to get it just like you. All you have to do is find a WOMAN who is not into playing games and gets straight to business. We love to talk and get to know you but honestly, talking can come later. SOMETIMES
3. Share your feelings. If you aren’t feeling the situation anymore be honest about it. Don’t just ignore calls and texts thinking “He/she will get the message”. NEWS FLASH! They will not get the message. They will spend hours if not days wondering what mistake they made when they didn’t do anything wrong. You were just too selfish to admit that you only wanted what they did to you and for you for a short period of time, if at all. Tell them the truth. A simple conversation will clear up the air and save your name from being tainted. Trust me ladies, men have to power to ruin you faster than you have to power to ruin them. Men talk just as much or more than women and this is BAD! Oh and ladies, a word of advice, if you’re going to sleep with a guy on the first date or meeting, be good, be very good that way he’ll at least be interested in you for a short time.
4. Be sure to return calls and texts if you are interested in someone because after a while, they may begin to think that you are uninterested and lose interest in you all together. In order to salvage whatever you have, just communicate! Communication is the key and if you like someone, you should let them know just how much. Just as quick as they come, they leave quicker.
5. Introduce them to your friends with a title. Whether it’s “my friend” “my girl or my man” any title is better than just a name. When you introduce them with a title at least they know where they stand with you. “This is David” could mean I picked him up off the side of the street and now I’m treating him to dinner before I return him to the shelter. Anyway, you get the picture.
6. If you don’t want people in your business then don’t tell anybody your business. People have the power to ruin whatever you have going on. Jealousy does exist and ladies, please believe that men get jealous of you when they want you but you don’t want them. They will attempt to put “salt” in your game and sometimes it does work because “boys” trust their friends more than they trust you. Notice I said boys, not men. Please refer to my book “The Lust for Love” for my definition on men and boys. Men, there are girls out here who have the mindset that if they can’t have you, no one will. Trust me, there are entire sites dedicated to professional athletes dating lives and ruining them. Google an NFL or NBA player and type girlfriend at the end… watch the site pop up. It’s hilarious actually.
7. I say this over and over again, if you’re going to talk to someone, talk to them and no one else. It’s very difficult to be honest with more than one person when you have five or six other people hounding you all of the time. It’s ok to have friends but don’t put someone you care about on the back burner just to have a fling! It’s not worth it. If it’s just about sex, I’m pretty sure he or she will give it to you but you have to be willing to show them that they can trust you with their feelings and their body. I don’t want anything from you that I didn’t already have, and babies are included. If you feel the need to sleep with multiple people, something is wrong with you. YES! I said something is wrong with you. You have some sort of disorder. One person can’t satisfy you? Come one with the B.S!
Ok, so I let it out today, big deal! It was on my heart and you asked so I delivered. I give the truth to you and if you don’t like, you just don’t know. Please take heed to my advice. There are so many men and women who question their worth and their confidence behind men ad women who have no intentions of taking it to the next level. Just be careful of what you get yourself into and who you draw into you. There are some people who aren’t able to handle rejection and you may have been their last hope at finding love. Just be honest, clear and upfront with people therefore avoiding the “Dreaded Deception”.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Joy of Love
I'm sitting here listening to "Differences" and I am almost in tears. It's funny how listening to one song brings back so many memories. This song makes me feel happy, sad, angry, confused, and joyful all at once. My heart feels so heavy because of the feelings and memories that are attached to this song. The truth is that REAL LOVE is attached to this song. I am sure that some of you guys have that one song that makes you go back to the day you made it "your" song. How can you stand listening to it after love has come and gone?
I can not stand listening to my favorite songs anymore because of the message of being in love! I mean what is the big deal anyway? SO you're in love, big deal... keep it to yourself that's what I want to say. But the reality of it is that when you are truly in love you are not able to keep it to yourself. I wish that I was able to have love again... that warm feeling when i look into his eyes. The lingering kisses, the tight hugs.... fitting perfectly in his arms. Love. The one thing in whole world that is ours together, love. The only thing that makes me smile when I am having a bad day, love. I want to have that feeling, that emotion, express the action of love again. When love will you find your way back into my life?
I look at other's around me and they are married, have families, are in relationships and are happy. Then there is me, single sally. I mean rejected on national T.V by Ray J. Come on? For real? Like when will it be my turn again? When will I have the laughs, the tears, the company, the support, the companionship, the joy of love again? Why did love decide to leave me? Why did love move on and refuse to reconcile our differences? Why is love happy with everyone else but refuses to be happy with me? WHY love?
I mean I listen to all of these songs about loving, being in love, making love, and being happy but the truth is that love hurts. It hurts when it leaves you and it hurts when it is with you because you never know when it will leave you. Why are things so difficult? Why can't someone save me from my broken heart? When will I have happiness? When will love come back to me? If you ever loved me, love, please come back to me.
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