30 Days of NIght (2)

30 Days of Night (2)

Night Two
This morning I woke up and I was in pain. Physical pain, not so much, but emotional pain was weighing my size 0 body down. I tossed and turned all night, first about my decision to keep a very open and public diary and second because I was lonely. There comes a time in everyone’s life where loneliness can set in. For some it may be when the children leave the house and go off to school and for others it may be during, after, or before a relationship begins or ends. I could go on and on about situations or circumstances that can cause a person to feel lonely but since the list is so long I will stop here… the answer is because they are alone. Don’t get me wrong, you can feel lonely in a room full of people, but you’re not actually alone, you just feel left out for lack of better words. But last night I was alone and I was indeed lonely. I can roll over four times in my bed and still not fall onto the floor but I think I’d much rather roll over twice and bump into someone… a companion or a lover even. Over the course of my 22 years of living, I have had “friends” come and go and then come again but when will someone actually stay? People often underestimate the power that loneliness can have upon you. Some people, in their loneliness eat and eat and eat and gain excessive weight. Others can’t even muster up an appetite because their loneliness is too overwhelming and of course instead of eating or the lack there of, a small percentage of people result to sex to comfort them in their loneliness. Is this the safest alternative? It can be if you use protection. But having sex, empty, meaningless, hot, steamy, no emotional connection whatsoever sex is very harmful to your emotions and spirituality.
What some people fail to realize is that each time they sleep with someone they become a part of that person and their partner becomes a part of them. Whether or not you want emotional attachment…NEWS FLASH… it’s still going to be there. Now, am I saying that I have empty sex with multiple people on multiple occasions??? No, of course I’m not going to come out and say that. But I will say that when you are lonely, every moment seems like a year. Time ticks slowly and you can hear every thought that passes through your mind as if your thoughts were another person screaming ideas into your own ears! Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The stroke of the clock seems as though it’s taunting me. Ha ha it says instead of tick tock. “Here you are alone again” the clock says to me. The urge to pick up my phone and call whoever is available to do whatever gets stronger by the minute.
The desire to indulge in an act of passion becomes so strong that it weakens me. “I must give in” I tell myself. “I’m not strong enough to do this again” I silently scream. Help me! Help me! Help me! My desperation becomes greater by every passing second. The need to be held is too intense to deny or hide. It’s almost like a vampires need to feed on human blood after being fed animal blood for so long… after a while, the urge takes over and I must feed. The taste of flesh and the sounds of agonized pleasure must be attained. When these urges come, I breathe in deeply. The tears flow down my face, steaming my eyes as if my tears were replaced with acid. A white residue forms on my cheeks and I do not possess the strength to wipe it away. My mouth is dry from thirst and my lips long to feel the kiss of a lover. My skin begs to be caressed. I look in the mirror adjacent to my now stained bed and I can not recognize myself. Who is this person that I have become? Weak for flesh and hungry for new prey… is this who I am?
The night passes by slowly and the thoughts eventually drift away. I have resorted to vibrating plastic and rubber… to ease the pain of my suffering. A temporary fix… like gum is to nicotine. Once you have the addiction, the urge to get a hit can only be tamed for so long. In my heart I am begging the Lord to forgive me for my impurity and to wash me and make me whole again. Forgive me oh Lord for being weak in the flesh and for having a hunger that I can not control. Forgive me oh Lord for being me, again… a sinful and naive woman. Forgive me, please forgive me Lord.
You see, unlike some people, I am not afraid to admit that I get lonely. I look around my house and there is no one! Only pictures of past lovers to remind me that I AM ALONE AGAIN. Is it fair that they have moved on into marriages and relationships and have left me alone to rot in my weakness and failures? NO! It is not fair at all. I can’t for the life of me understand why I have been chosen to suffer this way. To long to be happy with ONE MAN and no one man longs to be happy with me. I have trouble expressing myself to men which is very funny to me because I have no trouble writing it down. I feel like a little bird ready to break out of my shell but mama bird will not get off of the egg. There’s something holding me back… a force so strong that it feels as though my lips are sealed tight; unable to let in the slightest breeze of air. The force is called fear. The fear of rejection can cost someone a relationship, a friendship, a job, and anything worth having. I suppose that if I were to open up even a little bit, I wouldn’t spend every night alone. I pray and pray and pray for help but the harder I pray the more tempted I become. AHH! I want to scream with frustration and cry out in sorrow, help me! I want to be in love again. I don’t want to fall into the trap of lust any longer. Help me in my loneliness.

8/16/2010