30 Days of Night... Journey of Discovery (1)

30 Days of Night
Night One 8/15/2010 10:25pm

I do not know if I am extremely crazy or extremely lonely but I do know that I am something... not to say that I am nothing and to prevent talking in circles, let's just move on from that. So, here we are night one of my journey, although right now I am not completely sure of what my journey consists of or even why I am on it. But I suppose the reason for this blog or article or whatever may come of my thoughts, is to find myself. Who am I? That's the question that everyone at some point in their life will ask themselves... Who Am I? As I sit here typing these words I realize that I really do not know who I am. Maybe the question shouldn't exactly be Who Am I; perhaps the question we should all ask ourselves is Who am I meant to be?
Day after day people get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, cook dinner, eat with their families or alone, take a shower, go to bed and do it all over again. As talented as I may be and as goal driven as I am, I am in the "routine" category right now. Of course no one falls into a practical routine by choice but only by circumstance. Yes it's true "EXTRA" from VH1's number one rated reality show is back in corporate America. No published book, no new shows, no more parties to host, no modeling just work at 6 a.m Monday through Friday. This is a big and hard pill to swallow but I have to admit that this whole experience has humbled me. Where should I start? How about June 17th, 2010? That's the day that my life turned completely around. What happened? Well my car was taken from me to make a long story short. I had to put it in the shop and leave it there until I could afford to get it out. I thought "Hey, I get unemployment, I should have my car out in NO TIME"... WRONG! About a week later, my unemployment benefits ended and I had no car, no money, an apartment and bills, bills, bills. I had been job searching for what seemed like a decade and I could not get any leads. Since I lacked transportation I had to put in a lot of foot work literally. I had to walk everywhere! Grocery stores, church, banks, libraries... everywhere! You see, my situation is slightly different from average. Many people have friends that are accessible to them at any time. I don't have many friends, and the one's that I do have are either in Louisiana (Candice), very pregnant and working full-time (Quita) , or are male and very busy being bachelors. Since I do not have a boyfriend, the reliability of my male companions is slim to none. Either they do not understand my situation and always have a solution beginning with "Why don't you..." and ending with "move back home" or only communicate with text messages whenever convenient for them. I have to admit that two very special male friends of mine are very much reliable and seem to care a lot actually. Anyway moving on from that, my point is that I had no one to rely on but ME. Family? Let's just say that my family is all but closely knit. I am the type of person that hates to inconvenience anyone and with my family, I feel as though EVRYTHING is an inconvenience. My mom, dad, grandparents, sisters, brother...everybody has their own problems and I refuse to add to them. You see everyone in my immediate family has goals, regrets, anger, all of that balled up into completely and at times chaotic frustration. I almost hate to ask for anything from anybody because I don't want to hear about it later... and trust me, with my family, you'll hear about it.
Ok, relying on myself... that's where I was right? Yes, I had to rely on me to do everything! If I wanted to keep my freedom and independence I had to get out of my comfort zone and get busy. I prayed long and hard for God to change my situation and when I realized that it wasn't changing, I remembered what my Uncle Dennis "Pastor Webb" once said, "Sometimes, your blessing is in work". I'm not completely sure what he meant by that but I took it to mean that instead of finding "quick fixes" to my problems, I needed to just DO SOMETHING! I continued to pray and cry and cry and pray but in the midst of my tears God began to open doors... and by doors I mean my eyes. If I wanted food, I knew what I had to do to get it; if I didn't want to come home again and sit in a dark and hot apartment with no electricity and eat only peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I had to do something about it! If I wanted money, I had to grind until I found a job that suited me. About a week or so passed and I received an email forward from my Uncle Dennis about a job opening and I instantly responded. I walked up to the college, submitted my resume online (in an email to the hiring manager) and then I called her. I practically called her everyday until I got an interview. Needless to say I got the job, but there was a problem. I realized that walking to work would take about 40 minutes and it's TEXAS! It's 80 degrees at 6am but I knew that if I wanted to maintain my lifestyle I had to do it! July 12, 2010, I started working as a Government insurer. What's that you ask? I audit, process, and insure mortgage loans and then submit them to HUD. Not exactly my DREAM job... but it's paying the bills. So on July 12, my dad let me borrow his Jeep and I had to take it back to him after work. I had for a second thought that he would just let me keep it for a while, but you know how parents are, especially when they have a separate family. SO on July 13th, I woke up at 530am and realized that the walk was going to be LONG! But I sucked it up and went on and walked to work and walked home after. It was a change so I asked for a ride to work for the next week and a half and suddenly felt as though I was inconveniencing the man at 7am. I walked to and from work everyday. Heat, wind, rain, whatever... I was walking. Why didn't you take the bus? Well, the sad truth about it is that I didn't know how to catch the bus and even if I did, I couldn't afford it. On or about July 15th, I was notified by my leasing office that I was going to be evicted... I was hurt, crushed even! I didn't know what to do. My family couldn't help me as they were all in financial distress themselves, I had no choice but to "phone a friend". I was terrified about asking him. I had NEVER wanted to put myself in the category of "needy" but I was in fact in need. I look at things from a spiritual perspective... people are put in your life for a reason. It may be to bless you, listen to you, talk to you, test you, love you or leave you but there is always a reason. My friend came through for me and I will be eternally grateful to him for granting me a favor. After the eviction mess was cleared, on July 30th, I received my first paycheck. I had grossed $960.00. Of course my net was about $797.57 but it was WAY more than what I had in my pocket. I practically ran to the collection plate on Sunday to pay my tithes and after I gave God what was due to him, I had bus fare! I was so happy that I didn't have to walk all the way to work... only to the bus stop in the morning and then walk home in the afternoon. Piece of cake I thought... NO MAM! The bus runs like every 30 minutes right? WRONG! I didn't have a bus schedule so I just guessed the times. I got so frustrated that I just walked to work anyway! Once at work I did what any smart person would do... I used my resources and printed an ON-LINE bus route. I quickly realized that my work schedule had to change. So I began waking up at 430am in order to catch the first bus at 6am to work. This was no easy task for me, especially after my late nights hosting parties and traveling all of Winter and Spring but by the grace of God, I did it and I am doing it.
Why am I writing this "tell all" again? Well, I can't answer that right now but maybe after 30 nights we will see. The first one is always the longest because I have to give background information and explain the situation so that you'll understand ME a little better. Now, since I am used to my job and I have gotten two paychecks... as of AUGUST 14, 2010...I HAVE MY CAR AGAIN... thanks to the AWESOME power and grace of GOD! No more walking to work for now... but I do however have some serious thinking to do about who I label as family and friends. Sure some people may call what I am doing INSANE because "I was on t.v" but people on television have a REAL life behind the camera. My life just happens to be very public right now, but that's the way it needs to be. People need to know that I am a real person, not just EXTRA! Everyone has REAL struggles and I refuse to allow people to think that they are by themselves. Until tomorrow night, stay blessed and remember that you never know someone's situation so don't JUDGE them just LOVE them!
GOOD NIGHT